These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

Shameless
Frank: I’m the only guy I know that’s been given last rites three times.

The Good Wife
Marissa: Handsome men are so weak.

Battle Creek
Russ: Your snitch is an NBA cheerleader?
Al: You got a problem with that?
Russ: No, I don’t got a problem with that. The problem I got is that *my* snitch is a fat, annoying, hairy moron.

The Royals
Penelope: I do not want to be American. I do not want to walk around like Justin Bieber with no shirt on and my trousers hanging off.
Eleanor: He’s Canadian.
Maribel: Even worse. They can’t make us Canadian, can they Daddy? Canadian and poor, just like Justin Bieber?

Jane the Virgin
Rogelio: I’m going to take your hand because I’m a gentleman and we’re in public.

Narrator: Sometimes the best romance is not the stuff of fantasy. It’s the romance of small moments…of intimate moments…of reality.

Castle
Kate: Whatever’s next, I don’t want to have to compromise my priorities to get there, and I never want to be guilty of leaving behind what matters most.
Castle: You cannot leave behind what is always at your side.

Community
Abed: That’s the most interesting take on not being interesting I’ve ever heard.

Dean: Guess what I just purchased for the school from a local manufacturer? Greendale’s first virtual reality operating system!
Frankie: Did Greendale *need* a virtual reality system?
Dean: Uh, like a hole in the head!
Frankie: A hole in the head is something that you *don’t* need.
Dean: She said through a huge hole in her head.

Jeff: I’ll never get out of here, will I?
Dean: I haven’t met many that do.

iZombie
Ravi: You ate the girl’s temporal lobe. Going to the police with her potential murderer is the least you can do.

Justified
Tim: Here comes the douche-mobile.

Boyd: You kiss my ass, Raylan Givens!!

Avery: Whatever that blast was, it wasn’t enough.
Raylan: One thing that didn’t occur to me: dipshits not capable of pullin’ it off.

Arrow
Oliver: You still need training.
Laurel: When are you going to stop telling me that?
Oliver: When you no longer need training.

Empire
Becky: You use your inside voice when you talk to Becky.

The Vampire Diaries
Bonnie: I would rather die of cholera than spend an afternoon with you.

Stefan: You’re an embarrassment to humanity-free vampires everywhere.

Jo: Anyone named Alaric should not be allowed to name another human.

Spartacus
Solonius: Well played, Batiatus. I underestimated you.
Batiatus: You’re not the first to die for that mistake.

Hart of Dixie
Zoe: You got married to Tansy after three weeks *while* drunk. Okay? Since when do you even care about this stuff?
Wade: Since I met you!
Lemon: Aww! Zoe, you have to admit, that was pretty sweet.
Lavon: If you don’t marry him, I will.

Meatball: Those people are about to get Meatballed. Hard. In the face!