These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

Once Upon a Time
Author: It’s a shame. I mean, writing a happy ending for the Evil Queen? Well, you…you’ve always been a favorite of mine. Very clear goals plus totally damaged personality with a self-destructive streak? A recipe for compelling. And, of all the characters I’ve written for, you really do get screwed over the most.
Regina: I’m well aware.

Cora: The only one standing in the way of your happiness is you.

Outlander
Jamie: I could bear pain myself but, I could not bear yours. It would take more strength than I have.

Ian: Well, if you’re goin’ to hell, I might as well go too. God knows, you’ll never manage alone.

Jane the Virgin
Xo: I thought you hated plays.
Rogelio: No, it’s different. Cool people like Bradley Cooper do Broadway now.

Narrator: Okay, that is definitely cute. I *do* love ducks.

New Girl
Winston: If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?

Schmidt: Coach, I used to wish that you were uglier. I don’t wish that anymore. I only wish you the best.

The Flash
Joe: I can’t believe I’m down here looking for a supernatural gorilla. I’m terrified of *regular* gorillas.

The Goldbergs
Bill: We have a saying in Texas: Don’t blame the armadillo. Blame the armadillo’s dumb father.
Murray: We have a saying here: You’re bald!

Murray: This schmuck lives in Philadelphia, yet he roots for the Dallas Cowboys! Who does that?

The Vampire Diaries
Stefan: You can’t do this for me or for her. You have to want to be human for yourself.

Stefan: Uh oh, Elena’s human again. Am I sensing another brother swap?

Grace and Frankie
Grace: If anybody’s gonna sit on Ryan Gosling’s face, it’s gonna be me!

Frankie: What brand would you smoke if your husband turned out to be gay?
Store Clerk: Newports
Frankie: For the last twenty years.
Store Clerk: Luckys