These are my favorite quotes from the past two weeks, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

The Last Ship
Tex: Who’s that?
Cdr Chandler: Jeffrey Michener, Commander in Chief.
Tex: Come again, boss?
Cdr Chandler: He’s the President of the United States!

Chasing Life
Emma: You know what they say about a man with a giant pet snake? He’s a loser!

UnREAL
Rachel: I clearly have issues with my boundaries.

Faith: I don’t know if anyone’s told you, but you are a player. If I drew a vagina on a white piece of paper, you’d probably hit on it.

Adam: You are a hateful, conniving bitch. You know that?
Quinn: Thank you.

The Astronaut Wives Club
Trudy: Honey, you have orbited the Earth. I’m pretty sure you can handle carpool and meatloaf…and laundry.

Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp
Danny: Hey! A cool thing is happening over here! Everyone run toward it!

Chasing Life
Ford: Maybe you’d be more popular if you stopped eating those gross pickle chips.

Leo: He’s earnest and ingratiating. He’s like a greeting card with dimples.

Sara: I will not be the mother who gets a lap dance at her daughter’s bachelorette party.

UnREAL
Rachel: I’m sure you must think all this last-minute wedding stuff is incredibly crass.
Duchess Cromwell: Please. I was snorting blow off Mick Jagger’s…you know…two days before I married an impotent Duke for his title.

Adam: You know I’m not in line to be the Prince of anything.
Rachel: Since when do we care about facts on this show?

Zoo
Abraham: The man you are is not worth the man I would have to be to kill you.

Playing House
Mary Pat: Wait, what are you doin’?
Bruce: I was goin’ in for a hug, Ma!
Mary Pat: You’re comin’ at me with an open mouth!
Bruce: That’s my hug mouth!
Mary Pat: Well, I get enough of that at bingo. Thank you very much.

Emma: I think we need to take it down a notch.
Mark: But we’re not gonna, cause it’s my house and I’m gonna keep it at eleven!
Emma: Duly noted.

Maggie: Who doesn’t want to be measured from different angles by the Property Brothers?

Maggie: You gotta hold on to the Hanks of your dreams.
Emma: The Hanks of your dreams?
Maggie: Yeah, like, he’s tough but he’s sweet, but he has a dog and he also has a beautiful singing voice for harmony, and he can make you laugh while he’s wearin’ a sweater.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Don Rickles: Frank may be dead, but he has a way of getting up.

Heroes
Sylar: Luke, You really gotta stop trying to be my friend or I’m going to have to kill you.

The Astronaut Wives Club
Gus: Let go. For me.
Betty: But if I don’t fight for you, who will?
Gus: Maybe you gotta let go to find out.

Louise: The thing about sisters is they challenge you. They make you braver than you ever could be without them. Sisters stand by you when no one else does. They help you overcome things you never imagined you could. And even when they’re gone, they’re always with you.

Strike Back
Martinez: This is the safe house?
Richmond: What do you want? The Four Seasons?
Martinez: Shit, I’ll settle for one season.
Richmond: Not on our budget.

Scott: You know what they say about plans, Mikey. They never survive contact with the enemy.
Stonebridge: Wow.
Scott: Didn’t know I knew that one. Huh?
Stonebridge: Do you know who said it?
Scott: …Miley Cyrus?