These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.
Siobhan: I’m sorry, I have difficulty making conversation with men under six feet tall.
Kara: I save the world better when I save it *with* people.
Mayakovsky: Why are you both so determined to be so fucking bland?
Linda: God cast you out because He needed you to do the most difficult of jobs. It was a gift.
Lucifer: Gift? He shunned me. He vilified me. He made me a torturer! Can you even begin to fathom what it was like? Eons spent providing a place for dead mortals to punish themselves? I mean, why do they blame me for all their little failings? As if I’d spent my days sitting on their shoulder, forcing them to commit acts they’d otherwise find repulsive. “Oh, the Devil made me do it!” I have never made any one of them do anything. Never.
Linda: What happened to you in unfair.
Lucifer: Unfair? This is unjust! For all eternity, my name will be invoked to represent all their depravity. That is the gift that my Father gave me!
Aife: Bach sounds delightful…as long as it’s followed by Sir Mix-a-Lot.
Trick: Always remember, you’re my blood too.
Patterson: Yes, you can for sure maintain enough air speed. I did the math.
Fischer: How? Where?
Patterson: In my head, where math is done. Please, don’t interrupt.
Schmidt: Don’t tell me what to do! I’m her fiancé, not some schnook off the street eating a peanut butter cookie!
Reagan: I hope that the Chicago Cubs win the World Series while you’re in a coma
Nick: That’s one of the meanest things anybody has ever said to me.
Howard: Jarvis, you just hit a woman with my car!
Jarvis: I know, sir.
Howard: She’s a 2-time Oscar nominee!
Jarvis: Miss Frost is quite resilient. She’s fine. Trust me.
Howard: If she weren’t a homicidal maniac, I’d be in love.
Howard: What am I doing wrong, Jarvis?
Jarvis: We are standing before an incomprehensible rip in the fabric of our world. Use a 7-iron.
The Shannara Chronicles
Allanon: Only a king knows the weight of a crown.
Wil: The mind reading thing? Still really annoying.
Kelsey: You haven’t told your parents yet?
Thad: They’re still out of town.
Kelsey: Then my vagina is out of town!
Thad: Is your mouth out of town?
Legends of Tomorrow
Martin: NASA has rather strict guidelines regarding near-sightedness.
Jackson: And smoking weed.
Mick: Do I look like a time master to you?
Time Pirate: You look like the kinda man who would throw his grandma out an air lock.
Clarke: In peace may you leave the shore. In love may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey on the ground. May we meet again.
House of Cards
Francis: Claire is the First Lady of the United States, and you still think she made the wrong choice.
Elizabeth: Reduced to tabloid gossip? She might as well be living in that trailer park you come from.
Francis: Well, it was a peach farm. But you’re right, I am still white trash. I just happen to be white trash that lives in the White House.
Elizabeth: Not even being President could give you any class.
Francis: I’m not sure if you noticed or not, but politics is no longer just theater, it’s show business.
Solly: Don’t open a door unless you’re ready to walk through it.
Kol: In hindsight, you could have been nicer to people. Or, at least left fewer survivors.