These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

Jane the Virgin
Rafael: Hey, uh, you wanna maybe change a diaper?
Petra: No, thanks. I changed one a few days ago.

Rogelio: We want to capture Eleanor’s inner beauty, but on the outside.

Jane: Marry the salt shakers.
Anezka: …Do you, salt, take you, salt?

Lucifer
Lucifer: Why don’t we just skip that part and go straight to the main course?
Chloe: Because it’s incredibly impulsive and shortsighted.
Lucifer: Have you noticed that’s my jam?

Blindspot
Jane: When I see you here, at the end of the day, I feel safe.

New Girl
J. Cronkite: I must say, this is not my favorite sort of white people in here.
Nick: Me neither. My favorite kind of white people are redheads with high socks. Male or female.

Cece: The very fact that socks exist is proof that shoes don’t work.

The Flash
Jesse: Bio Chem was one of my majors in college.
Barry: *One* of your majors? How many did you have?
Jesse: Five. What? Is that not common here?

Joe: I can’t watch you be a human punching bag until he turns into Grandpa Simpson.

The Real O’Neals
Eileen: Pat, did you know Kenny was auditioning for the school play?
Pat: Oh, yeah. It’s all anyone’s talking about down in the basement.

Jodi: So, we’ve got this product at the salon that’ll make the zombies’ hair look really filthy. It’s the same thing the hipsters use to make themselves look like riverboat gamblers.
Eileen: Why can’t we have zombies who care about their personal appearance? I think that’s what’s really groundbreaking.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Mack: How’s he holding up?
May: No one comes to me with their feelings.
Mack: Yeah, that makes sense.

May: Phil, you’re not her father.
Coulson: No, but she’s the closest thing I have to a daughter.

Coulson: You mess with a man’s family, all bets are off. I don’t think aliens get that.

The 100
Bellamy: I was so angry at you for leaving. I don’t want to feel that way anymore.

Orphan Black
Kyra: They never tell me when things are bad, but I always know.

Donny: Alie, we are *not* going to exhume the dead guy in our garage. That is a haywire plan.
Alison: Donny, my sister has a robot maggot in her face. You tell me what the solid plan is… Exactly. Now, go rent a jack-hammer.
Donny: Maybe we should just buy one.

Outlander
Master Raymond: I’m fascinated by things not of this time.