These are my favorite quotes from the past week, mostly from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.
Jess: Let’s get ready to Rodham!
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Director Mace: There’s so much S.H.I.E.L.D. history that Agent Carter herself didn’t know it all.
Mack: Why? Why are you doing this?
Fitz: Because she’s turned her back on us, Mack! Because something terrible happened, and she didn’t want our help getting through it!
Mack: Slow down, Turbo.
Fitz: Well, we’ve all been through terrible things, all of us, and we’ve never turned our back!
Daisy: I…I’m doing what I need to do.
Mack: And it still affects us. Like it or not.
This Is Us
Kevin: What did I ever do those first two minutes without you?
Kate: Uh, you cried and you crapped a lot.
Kevin: Sounds about right.
Toby: I heard that Deadpool was her idea… or maybe it was Hamilton, I get those two confused.
Rebecca: Hey, how do you think we’re doing so far? At parenting?
Rebecca: ‘Cause I think we’re at a six. On a sliding scale, one through ten, I think we’re at a six, and I think I’m being generous.
Rebecca: Seven, fine, but only because there are three of them.
Jack: Baby, I…
Rebecca: And the thing is, I’m trying really hard to get us to a nine. Because they are cute kids, and they deserve nine-parents. And the thing is, I feel like I’m there, Jack. I feel like I’m operating at a nine. Because I do individualized lunches, and I do individualized tuck-ins for each kid so nobody feels gypped. And… when you’re home, and you’re you, you’re way better than I am. You’re a ten when you’re you, Jack. But you’re getting home later and later, and when you do come home, you’re…
Jack: Bec, what are you saying?
Rebecca: The drinking has to stop. You have to reign it in, baby, because I won’t have it in my house.
Jack: You won’t have it in your house.
Rebecca: I won’t! So, if it’s a problem, fix it. Be a man, and fix it. Because I’m done letting you lower our score.
The West Wing
Ron: It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t Gina’s fault. It wasn’t Charlie’s fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault, Toby. It was an act of madmen. You think a tent was going to stop them? We got the President in the car. We got Zoe in the car. And at 150 yards and five stories up, the shooters were down 9.2 seconds after the first shot was fired. I would never let you not let me protect the President. You tell us you don’t like something, we figure out something else. It was an act of madmen.
Captain Avery: Do either of you have any idea what this number is?
Riggs: Uh, the number of words in the Book of Genesis.
Murtaugh: Number of cats in your apartment.
Riggs: Um, pies.
Captain Avery: It was rhetorical!
Murtaugh: I’m taking Riggs to a gun factory. What could go wrong?
Weller: You know who you are. You know what you’re capable of. Trust your own instincts.
Roman: Things around here are about to move quick. I can’t save you a second time. So, if you can’t wake up the real Remy on your own, I’m gonna find your rabbit, and I’m gonna make him bleed.
You’re the Worst
Tow Truck Driver: I know you don’t want to hear this, but the minute you stop looking for someone else to cure you maybe you start living again.
The Good Place
Tahani: Obviously, it’s impossible for something to be more perfect than perfect…
Michael: Well, it isn’t actually. Any place or thing in the universe can be up to 104% perfect. That’s how you got Beyoncé.
Katie Nolan: Leave it to men to try and rain on our lady parade. There are already reports of dissension in the Padres locker room after Baker’s first win. Guess some of those big, strong men don’t like the pretty, little girl getting more attention, huh? Come on, boys, haven’t you seen the movie? There’s no crying in baseball!
Mike: Why did God make me so damn appealing to women? I mean, it’s a… it’s a curse, Baker. Really is.
Evelyn: The best looking man in the National League.
Blip: National League?
Evelyn: You know I have a thing for Mike Trout!
Pop: Boys run. Men stand.