These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also just random things I happen to be watching.

Shameless
Doctor: “Are you retarded, Frank?”
Frank: “No.”
Doctor: “Then get your shit together.”

The Originals
Jackson: “You brought me a bag of werewolf heads.”
Klaus: “I kind of thought you’d see it as an early wedding present.”

Jackson: “I pledge to honor and defend you and yours, above all others.”
Hayley: “To share in blessings and burdens. To be your advocate. Your champion.”
Jackson: “To be your comfort. Your sanctuary. And for as long as we both shall live.”
Hayley: “To be your family.”
Jackson: “To be your family.”

Gotham
Leslie: “There are plenty of things in this world that can’t be explained by rational science.”
Jim: “Yeah, people who enjoy folk dancing, for instance. Doesn’t mean ghosts exist.”

Jane the Virgin
Jane: “Hey, Rogelio.”
Rogelio: “Dad. You’re locked into Dad now.”
Jane: “Dad. Got it.”

The Flash
Iris: “Do you actually know anything about Physics?”
Mason: “Not a thing. It might as well be in Dothraki.”

Professor Stein: “I’m still inside Ronald.”
Cisco: “There has to be a better way to phrase that.”

Cisco: “You guys are like ten seasons of Ross and Rachel but, just like, smushed into one year.”

About a Boy
Fiona: “Oh, cabbage. You are not what men want.”

Fiona: “Right. Now you’re gonna get a lecture: 1. you’re a rubbish chaperone; 2. you are a *very* poor judge of character; 3. you’re far too tall, Sasquatch; 4. you’re an idiot; 5. snip, snip, snip on your eyebrows, okay? 6. your hair’s too big and it’s not the humidity!”

Agent Carter
Peggy: “Have you ever been hanged, Mr. Jarvis?”
Jarvis: “I can’t say that I have, no.”
Peggy: “It is quite unpleasant!”

Dooley: “I’m supposed to believe that you pulled off your own investigation without any of us noticing.”
Sousa: “Why would you go through all that trouble instead of coming to one of us?”
Peggy: “I conducted my own investigation because no one listens to me. I got away with it because no one looks at me. Because, unless I have your reports, your coffee or your lunch, I am invisible!”

Peggy: “I’ve just thought of something.”
Jarvis: “We’re still attached to a table.”
Peggy: ” We are *still* attached to a table.”

New Girl
Winston: “I will say one thing about that man that I’ve only said about Ryan Gosling: hot damn!”

Nick: “You know what the problem with Jordan Catalano is?”
Jess: “Yeah, an undiagnosed learning disability!”

Nick: “I touched both your mother’s breasts in a communal womb earlier today. I didn’t do it on purpose, but there it is.”

Justified
Constable Bob: “Hell yeah I got a badge. And I got balls like Death Stars. Let’s do this.”

The Goldbergs
Barry: “Erica wins! She called me the TV character I like!”

Pops: “See, the problem here is, you horribly interpreted my advice.”

The 100
Lincoln: “Just let him kill me, then take him out. Please! Your people need you.”
Clarke: “You are my people.”

Hindsight
Lolly: “You look like a scared toon about to be dipped by Christopher Lloyd.”

Suits
Harvey: “I can’t believe it, you have no idea what to say! What’s today’s date? I wanna write this down.”
Donna: “You know what? It’s the 7th of kiss my ass and tomorrow’s the 8th of set your own goddamn meetings.”
Harvey: “Is that the Mayan calendar?”
Donna: “Nope. That’s the Donna calendar.”

Harvey: “Who is *she*?”
Mike: “That’s that lawyer.”
Harvey: “Why didn’t you tell me she was hot?”
Mike: “Because it’s not relevant?”
Harvey: “It is to me.”
Mike: “Why?”
Harvey: “Because she’s hot.”

The Vampire Diaries
Damon: “Today isn’t the worst day of your life. Today and tomorrow, that’s a cake walk. There’ll be people around you day in and day out, like they’re afraid to leave you alone. The worst day? That’s next week. When there’s nothing but quiet.”

Jo: “You can’t throw a pity proposal at a pregnant, ex-witch!”

Hart of Dixie
Wade: “Life was so much simpler before you and I became friends.”

Gilmore Girls
Reverend: “You know, Rory, being a young lady comes with many gifts. Your virtue, for example, is a gift. A precious gift. Possibly the most precious gift you possess.”
Rory: “Uh-huh?”
Reverend: “You wanna give this gift very carefully. It is a gift you can only give to one man. Once you give it, it’s gone. You can’t re-gift it. If you give it away too soon, to the wrong man, then when the right one does come along, you have no gift to give. You’ll have to buy him a sweater. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
Rory: “No.”
Reverend: “Think long and hard about when and to whom you want to give the ultimate gift you have to give away.”
Rory: “Oh.”
Reverend: “Yes.”
Rory: “Oh, dear.”
Reverend: “Oh, dear, indeed.”
Rory: “Uhm, well, listen, Reverend, I really appreciate you taking the time out of, what I assume is, a busy day, to come here and talk to me about all of this, but I’m afraid the ultimate gift ship has sailed.”
Reverend: “What?”
Rory: “A while ago. It’s probably in Fiji by now.”

12 Monkeys
Striking Woman: “You’re walking through a red forest and the grass is tall.”

Cole: “Everybody’s got two wolves inside ’em and both of ’em are starving. One wolf is anger, envy, pride. The other is truth, kindness. Everyday they tear each other apart, but it’s not the better wolf that wins, it’s the one you feed.”