The Goldbergs

Quotes of the Week: January 17-23

These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

Critics Choice Awards
Rami Malek: It’s not just good to be different. It’s better to be different.

Downton Abbey
Robert: You can’t expect me to avoid talking to my own wife.
Violet: Why not? I know several couples who are perfectly happy, haven’t spoken in years.

Supergirl
Cat: A woman with brains who gives up everything for love inevitably finds herself staring into an existential abyss that men, babies and cardio barres simply cannot fill.

Cat: As much as I love watching you millennials deny your feelings, I pay you not to have them.

Smallville
Clark: Weird has become so normal it’s not even weird anymore.

Chloe: You can never be who you wanna be if you’re always looking over your shoulder at what could have been.

Telenovela
Ana: How does a cameraman get a nickname like “Fat Eddie” if he doesn’t have a secret stash of food lying around?!

The Flash
Barry: I didn’t realize roses were so flammable.

Cisco: Do you think it’s a good idea, when you’re fighting crime, to bring a date?

New Girl
Daniel: Trying to get out of jury duty?
Jess: Excuse me?
Daniel: The way you’re dressed, like you’re in a school play about old people. You want the judge to think you’re crazy.

Jess: Did he just kiss you? Why does he act like the Pope when he’s happy?

Schmidt: I bought you this burner phone from an unmarked storefront in Koreatown. I believe it’s small enough to conceal in the waistband of your underpants.

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Quotes of the Week: November 8-14

These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

Once Upon a Time
Merlin: It’s easier to live with the darkness if you can dress it up as vengeance.

Regina: Tell your timbers to stop shivering, pirate.

Zelina: Artie here may have a shorter sword than a man would like, but it can control the world’s greatest wizard.

Supergirl
Kara: I’m not Superman’s cousin. I’m Supergirl! And if I’m going to be defined, it’s going to be by my victories and my loses. No one else’s.

Jane the Virgin
Narrator: Okay. You know what? This is way too stressful. I’m out.

Castle
Castle: You majored in opera singing?
Slaughter: No! Musical theater.
Castle: You?!
Slaughter: Yeah, and if you tell anyone, I’m gonna force feed ya your spleen through your nose.
Castle: Yeah, I’m sorry, I’m tryin’ to be scared, I just keep picturing you doing jazz hands.

The Flash
Joe: You’re putting a whole lot of faith in the man wearing the face of your mother’s killer.

Barry: You wanna be a hero?
Zoom: Heroes die.
Barry: Only if you can catch them.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Rosalind: Phantom pain. The thing that’s missing is the thing that you feel the most.
Coulson: Makes it hard to forget.
Rosalind: So maybe you don’t. But it’s also important to look ahead, see what’s in front of you.

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Quotes of the Week: October 25-31

These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

The Man In The High Castle
Tagomi: Fate is fluid, Colonel Waggoner. Destiny is in the hands of men.

Randall: It takes a lot of effort not to be free, keeping your head down, holding your tongue.

Supergirl
Cat: It’s not that I don’t see your frown, it’s just that I don’t care enough to ask why it’s there.

Jane the Virgin
Instructor: I know it can seem a little silly, but that’s how language develops. Narrate everything.
Narrator: But don’t step on my toes, Jane. I’ve got a job to do.

Narrator: How do you find the words to say that your psychotic ex-wife inseminated herself with your stolen sperm?

Michael: What exactly is the emergency here?
Rogelio: You are too pale for the baptism photos.
Michael: I’m a police officer! An emergency means someone is dead!
Rogelio: Well, you look like a corpse! Close enough.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Gemma: You were right. There’s no hope on this planet.
Will: That’s what I used to think. Then you showed up.

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Quotes of the Week: October 18-24

These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

Once Upon a Time
Arthur: You betrayed me. You broke the sacred trust of the Round Table.
David: You tried to trick me with a catchy title and a comfy chair.

Homeland
Saul: I’m not a statesman, Heir Düring. I’m a spy.

Quantico
Shaw: I teach the people who find people. You think I couldn’t find you?

The Leftovers
Laurie: I don’t want to hurt them, but they won’t jump out of the way.

Jane the Virgin
Rogelio: Cruise ships is where old people perform! I mean, who am I? Charo?!

Narrator: Never was there sounder advice from a tipsy hallucination.

Blindspot
Jane: It wasn’t your fault.
Kurt: I’ve heard that my whole life.
Jane: But you haven’t heard it from me. It wasn’t your fault. You told me Taylor was my starting point. I think you’re wrong. You…you’re my starting point.

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Quotes of the Week: October 11-17

These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

Once Upon a Time
David: I don’t want to only be remembered as the man who kissed a sleeping princess awake thirty years ago.

Gotham
Gordon: Strike Force?
Barnes: Got a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

Jane the Virgin
Jane: Go! Run!
Narrator: And, so, Rafael ran. And then, even though she shouldn’t have been physically able to, Jane ran too. Well, we’ll call it running, that thing she’s doing.

Narrator: Observe Rafael trying to pretend he knows what ‘nipple confusion’ is.

Rogelio: In the last twenty-four hours, I have ruined multiple celebrity friendships by tweeting their dirty secrets in an effort to distract the press. It has not worked!

Minority Report
Dash: I wish I could tell you I couldn’t remember everything that happened. But I do. So, whenever it’s quiet or dark or…anytime, really…I am back there…seeing it.
Fredi: Seeing what?
Dash: More than any kid should ever have to. It was too much for too long to forget.
Fredi: And you want to forget.
Dash: No, I don’t. I don’t want to forget it. And that way, it won’t be a waste of my life.

Castle
Alexis: The blind priest just ran away.

The Flash
Jay: This is a lot harder than I thought. Losing something that was such a big part of who I was for so long.
Caitlin: I lost something that was a part of me too. It’s hard, but it gets easier every day. You just have to find a new way to live. Just because it’s a different life, doesn’t mean it’s a worse one.

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Quotes of the Week: October 4-10

These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

The Great British Baking Show
Howard: When I’ve made this previously, people were quite impressed… That was my mum and dad, though.

The Good Wife
Grace: (On the phone) Alicia Florrick, Attorney-at-Law…Yes, she’s busy, your honor. Can she call you back?
Alicia: Who is it?
Grace: No one. I’m calling myself.

How I Met Your Mother
Robin: Have you ever had one of those days where nothing at all that monumental happens but, by the end of it, you have no idea who you are anymore or what they hell you’re doing with your life?

Blindspot
Weller: I’ve been looking for you my whole life.

Castle
Lucy: Hello. I’m your new home operating system. My name is Lucy. What’s yours?
Castle: My name is Rick Castle and…and…my wife just left me.
Lucy: Yikes. Sucks to be you, Rick.

The Flash
Iris: If you keep getting no for an answer, stop asking questions.
Joe: I say that! You quotin’ me to me?
Iris: What can I say? You are a *very* smart man.

Caitlin: That light was perfect bait. What made you think of that?
Cisco: I don’t know. I think I saw it in a comic book somewhere.

Arrow
Oliver: Felicity Smoak, you have failed this omelet.

The Goldbergs
Coach Mellor: Third graders, out! You have no use to me until you develop adult bodies that can play something besides tag!

Pops: Rugelach is a friendship food.

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Quotes of the Week: September 20-26

These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

Primetime Emmy Awards
Jeffrey Tambor: Thank you for your patience. Thank you for your courage. Thank you for your stories. Thank you for letting us be part of the change.

Frances McDormand: We’re all here because the power of a story well told. Sometimes that’s enough.

Viola Davis: The only thing that separates women of color from everyone else is opportunity.

The Great British Baking Show
Sue: You know, there’s a penalty for taking someone’s crème anglaise. You get taken into ‘custardy.’

Life In Pieces
Tyler: You lost your virginity to a couch?

Gotham
Bruce: I’m building a bomb to blow down that door. You may assist me, or not, as you wish. But if not, some tea would be nice.
Alfred: Right, well, you’re gonna need ten more sack of that gear, for starters; three more dairy cans, too; and extra timber; a heavy tarpaulin. And I’ll put the kettle on.

Blindspot
Dr. Borden: You’re not helpless. We’re defined by our choices. You just don’t remember yours.

Chasing Life
Sara: Sometimes you have to listen to your heart, no matter how selfish it sounds.

Limitless
Brian: Everybody says you’re going to be President soon.
Senator Morra: I haven’t officially announced that yet, but, between me and you, I don’t even know if I’m gonna run. Do you know how much time we get off in the Senate? It’s shocking, really. I don’t know if I can give it up.

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Quotes of the Week: May 17-23

These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

The Late Show
David Letterman: There is only one requirement for any of us and that is to be courageous, because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior.

Game of Thrones
Slave Trader: The dwarf lives until we find a cock merchant.

The Goldbergs
Coach: Just ’cause I wear the same tiny shorts every day, doesn’t mean I don’t wear many hats.

The Flash
Dr. Stein: There is no science to coincidence.

Wells: Run, Barry. Run.

Queer As Folk
Deb: Tuna and macaroni. It was your favorite when you were a kid.
Brian: No, it wasn’t.
Deb: Don’t argue with me. You fuckin’ loved it!

Orphan Black
Felix: Nut up and lead me to the cyclops.

Beth: We do terrible things for the people we love.

Paul: It was never Beth I loved.

Quotes of the Week: March 29-April 4

These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

Once Upon a Time
Mary Margaret: Heroes do what’s right, not what’s easy.

Battle Creek
Commander: Are you okay?
Fontanelle: He lost a bet. He can’t hold his liquor like he used to.
Commander: Can’t fit into those chaps like he used to either.

The Flash
Barry: It’s okay! You’ve all been given an antidote!
James: That wasn’t very sanitary!

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
May: She said she was working for S.H.I.E.L.D., Phil. The *real* S.H.I.E.L.D.
Coulson: What the hell does *that* mean?

Hunter: Sorry I’m late. An evacuation pod will wash up where and when it wants to.

New Girl
Jess: And then Pete says to..
Coach: Allen Iverson
Jess: “You want to keep sportsing on the..
Coach: Grizzlies
Jess: ..but if you want me to show you the money, then…
Coach: You gotta finish your career off with the ’76ers!”
Jess: And it was classic Pete.

Louise: I just think you’d be more of a success socially if you let people come to you.

Justified
Rachel: How bad is it?
Art: Well, I shaved.

Raylan: You ever been down a mine?
Tim: I been to Mordor, but not through the mines.
Raylan: Is that a yes or a no?
Tim: No.

Younger
Josh: I’m gonna steal your cell phone for a second.
Liza: Wait a minute. Why?
Josh: Just relax, scaredy cat.
Liza: What are you doing?
Josh: I’m taking a picture of my junk…No. I’m adding myself to your calendar. Right here. Next Thursday.
Liza: Are you asking me on a date?
Josh: Is that a yes?
Liza: I don’t know. Let me see that junk shot first. Oh my god, I totally thought that was going to sound flirty, but it came out creepy.
Josh: It came out really sexy, if you ask me.

Arrow
Felicity: Please tell me you have a brilliant plan.
Oliver: I don’t even have a regular plan.

Felicity: What is wrong with me? He’s brilliant. He knows the plot to every Doctor Who episode. All thirty-four seasons. He looks like a Disney prince. I mean, he’s practically the perfect man.

Oliver: Just ask me what you want to know.
Lance: What do I wanna know. Well, was it worth it? All that pain and misery you brought back from that island. Merlyn. Slade Wilson. Wouldn’t it have been better if you had just died there?
Oliver: The reason I came back was to try and save the people of this city.
Lance: I hate to break it to you, but saving people isn’t your specialty. Tommy. Hilton. Your mother. My daughter. Well, now you set out killing Laurel too.
Oliver: I didn’t want her to be involved in this. I didn’t want anyone to be involved in this.
Lance: But you involved me. You spent a year making me look like a fool. You spent a year making me your accomplice. You have any idea what you’ve done? Huh? What you’ve done to all of us? To the people who you claim to care so much about?! You’ve made us criminals! You’ve made us liars and victims! You, Mr. Queen, are not a hero! You’re a villain! But you know that, don’t you?

The Goldbergs
Lainey: Tiffany is coming to *our* mall!
Erica: Sweet God, my life now has meaning!

Beverly: You gotta go up there and tell her she’s gotta go to college!
Murray: Why? You just told her she didn’t!
Beverly: Because, I’m the dream pusher, and you’re the dream smusher. That’s how this works!
Murray: This is a thing? I’m the smusher?
Beverly: Yes! I push, you smush! That’s the natural order of things!
Murray: I didn’t sign up for this! You smush for once. You know, it’s exhausting always having to be the bad guy.
Beverly: Well, it can’t be me! I’m the loving, supportive one. You’re the grumbling, grouchy one I always hide behind. Now go! Smush, smush, smush!

Bones
Booth: I don’t think tweets are meant to be profound, or anything like that. Except if they’re Flyers updates. That’s life or death.

Elementary
Sherlock: The things that I do, the things that you care about, you think that I do them because I’m a good person. I do them ’cause it would hurt too much not to.
Agatha: Because you’re a good person.
Sherlock: It hurts, Agatha. All this. Everything I see. Everything I hear, touch, smell. The conclusions that I’m able to draw. The things that are revealed to me. The ugliness. My work focuses me. It helps. You say that I’m using my gifts. I say I’m just treating them.

Quotes of the Week: March 22-28

These are my favorite quotes from the past week, not just from shows currently on the air, but also other random things I happen to be watching.

The Musketeers
Vargas: You bring women to fight your battles?
Constance: Perhaps I bring men to fight mine.

Once Upon a Time
Poseidon: As long as you live in my ocean, you will live by my rules.

Hook: Maybe she was right. Maybe villains can’t get their happy endings.
Ariel: Maybe that’s because villains always go about getting them the wrong way.

Mary-Margaret: First thing you learn as a bandit: the back door’s usually unlocked.

Shameless
Frank: You’re my favorite dying person I’ve ever met.

Veronica: Why would anyone want to be with you?
Frank: Well, why wouldn’t they?
Kermit: Chlamydia and herpes for starters. Poor hygiene, alcoholism, lack of a moral compass…
Frank: Fine. But my good qualities vastly out weigh my bad ones.
Veronica: Name one.
Frank: How about, uh, a lust for adventure, a bottomless libido.
Kermit: Geez.
Frank: I show up with drugs, companionship, pro bono sex. What more could a dying woman want?

Looking
Kevin: You’re going on about honesty, maybe *you* should look in the mirror.
Patrick: I just did and I look fine. My hair is looking a little middle-aged-lesbian but, whatever.

Glee
Sue: You know, a great big fat person once stood on this stage and told a group of a dozen or so nerds in hideous disco outfits that “glee,” by its very definition, is about opening yourself up to joy. Now, it’s no secret that for a long time, I thought that was a load of hooey. As far as I can see, the Glee Club is nothing more than a place where a bunch of cowardly losers go to sing their troubles away, and delude themselves that they live in a world that cares one iota about their hopes and dreams, totally divorced from the harsh reality that out in the real world, there’s not much more to hope for than disappointment, heartbreak and failure. You know what? I was exactly right. That’s exactly what Glee Club is. But I was wrong about the cowardly part. What I finally realize, now that I’m well into my late thirties, it takes a lot of bravery to look around you and see the world, not as it is, but as it should be. A world where the quarterback becomes best friends with the gay kid, and the girl with the big nose ends up on Broadway. Glee is about imagining a world like that, and finding the courage to open up your heart and sing about it. That’s what Glee Club is. And, for the longest time, I thought that was silly. And now, I think it’s just about the bravest thing that anyone could do.

Community
Chang: Could you guys be bigger nerds?
Abed: No, most of us have achieved our maximum potential.
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